Christian Mingle? Really?

“Sometimes we wait for god to make the next move, when god is saying it’s your time to act.” I had to listen to it a couple of times just to make sure I heard it correctly. Did a commercial just tell me “Let god decide who your mate should be?” I think it did. I’m a little scared. Sasquatch scared.

“You’re single, you’re Christian, and you’re looking for a meaningful relationship.” I think we both know that these people are going to have to really lower their expectations or at the very least, develop a lot of grey area. I know people who call themselves Christian that do things that almost make me blush. Almost. Plus, you know some of these people are out of their minds. The internet doesn’t offer any real sort of mental health screening that I’m aware of.

Why does an actual god need a website to connect two people? That’s more than a bit peculiar. So I’m to assume that an actual god was unable to connect two people prior to the 1990’s. Perhaps the population hit his tipping point for face-to-face hookups? Did god create the internets in order to connect people? He was so overwhelmed trying to find people their mates that he just sat around, spit balling with his own self, and thought up the world wide web—just for this. Sounds like god needs to get out more.

Why does the actual god need to charge? I understand that people run this site and they need to get paid. But couldn’t he have had a better plan than recurring credit card charges. Couldn’t god have simply placed an oil gusher next to their office? Better, a gold mine under their office? Diamond mine? See what I’m getting at?

Do they have questions about how religious are you? For instance, are you religious when it suits you like when you are asking god for your team to win or Saturday’s lottery numbers or for the burning to go away? Are you super religious? For example, only over the pants and never on Sunday. Are you from a missionary position only home? Will there be any kind of actual sex before the ceremony? Will there be any lights allowed—including daylight?

Why not just have Christianhairrepacement.com? Find the hair god meant for you to have. Chrtistianpenisenhancement.com? Find the wang god meant for you to have (and masturbate with it since your not married you sinner).

Is there such a thing as a Christian escort? That could be a whole new market. I know whores that go to church—some nice ladies. I’m thinking some of these guys might be more comfortable with an escort that they know will find her way to church in the morning regardless of what she did on Saturday night. Some of those Christian guys can be real perverts. My friend, The Whore Veronica, has told me some stories. She charges them extra. She’s no Christian. And don’t forget, you can always use the internet for masturbation if you can’t find an escort that will do what you need. It’s highly underrated in that area.

Hey, do whatever you want. If you want to go to a website to find a free date, knock yourself out. Me, I like to pay as I go.  “Find god’s match for you.” Seriously? That’s no way for people to mingle.

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